Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
