My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
