he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
