Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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