Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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