my text book just quoted the cookie monster
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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