She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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