he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
