You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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