she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We were destined to go to rehab together
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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