i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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