I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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