i wish my penis had a tongue
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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