I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
