i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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