and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
