the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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