I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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