you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
