omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
