Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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