he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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