i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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