I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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