he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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