i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
