and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
