Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Drake has all the answers
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
