I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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