When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
