I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
