where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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