I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
