Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
