if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
