Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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