He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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