he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
