I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
