you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
