So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
