we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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