We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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