I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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