2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
