Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
