College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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