mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
