All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We talked him into tasing himself.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
