Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
