wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Did I show you my penis last night?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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