Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
please come you make the beer taste better
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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