Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So apparently I’m into choking now
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