cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
